waiting on a friend,......

There is nothing I could possibly say about love, that is unique, at all.
my love life has been wonderful and horrible just like everybody elses.
But the age old question, "Is it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all?"

I am not sure.
You cant miss something you never knew.right?
maybe I wish , I never knew love.
It just hurts so much.

TIME WASTED, WASTING TIME

How much time do I waste by complaining about all the time I have wasted?
Time wasted, wasting time.
It so much easier to complain, than to do anything about it.Right?
I have so little to show for the last decade of my life, and now, in my mid-forties, living in Southern california, what to do?
What to do?
I wish I knew.
I want it to be interesting, fun, and somehow, it must be in a musically motivated environment.
Music is my friend.My oldest, and dearest companion.
The one I turn to, that envelopes me so completely, there isn't one part , not covered by musics loving essance.
Happy, sad, angry or glad, there are tunes that never fail.
AC/DC,. Bruce, Counting Crows, U2, and the wonderful Sir Elton John.
Who better than Elton John to sing to on a rainy day.?
"Mona lisas, and Mad Hatters.........."
Have to put my foot and heart out there and find my way home soon, and its scary.

U2 & NASA

musings from a gemini

Artists are special people. I have big love for musicians. They have to endure a life of feeling anguish, and being tortured by everything, and everybody, so that they can write about it, and we can feel like somebody else in the world can relate to us. I am not a musician, but I have been learning to play ta,mborine, and its exhilerating, actually. Because, even though I only play to the radio, sometimes, I get it just right, and it clicks, and for an absolute instant, I am in there!!, I am in!!!, I get to ride for a brief second on that cool music wave, that realm of life that exists whenever magic happens, that layer of something unseen that hits you right at your soul, and fills you with love and joy, that thing that God is, that love is, that music is. And even if its only for a second, and then, I am offbeat again, and I fall out, its so worth it, that one second of being part of something too huge and beautiful to ever explain. And wow, being a musician, and getting to feel like that, more often than a second, must be wonderful, and makes me think creative people, ARE so special. Luckily I know a few, and they share their music with me, so i feel special too.

Keep calm and carry on.
Thats cool.
Its not easy to do is it?Keep calm and carry on.I hate it when somebody tells me. To keep calm.
God, that is annoying. Carry on, well, what else am I gonna do.
Anyway.....
Chances.
Risk.
Give Peace a Chance.
Give Obama a chance.,
Give Love a chance.
Give yourself a chance.
I think we are so preoccupied with being occupied that we have forgotten how to just be.
When I was a kid, there were no video games, etc.
I never walked 10 miles in the snow, barefoot.
But, I did not have games, and computers, and gadgets,
Instead I had me.
I had my sister and my little brother.
We had each other.
We liked each other, I think.
We never really thought about it.
We just were.
And it was.
And thats the way it was supposed to be.
Nobody defined anything.
Nobody analyzed everything.
There we were.
Kids.As we should have been.
In our back yard, there was trees, and a small brook. We lived In Oregon. Gorgeous. Rainy.
That never bothered us. Because, we had a forte to build.
Then one day. We decided.
We had to build a dam.
To save the house.
So, we started digging, and digging, and got some logs, and rocks, and those ugly little crawdaddy
creatures, disapproved, . we did not care.
Until we had a huge pool. Well, we could sit in it. And my sister was pretty fat, so it was big.
And a dam.Success.
Then it was time for dinner, and we ran up the back yard hill, washed our hands, and sat down for spaghetti.
Mommy, dad, Shawn,Aaron, Tracy, My Grandma, and me.
And it was perfect.

holidays

the holidays are tough. why?I dont know. I mean, why do we dread having to handg out with people that love us?And then if we have no one to be with, we are so sad.
I miss my family. Cant understand why I do not contact them.
I guess because when I do, I have to face all the reality my fucked up life has to offer.
I mean real life, is nothing like those stupid"reality"shows. It never goes that easy.
People actually feel something, and its not always so damn great in the end.
Maybe, I need to try not to be so selfish anymore.
I need to get over the fact that it is not about me all the time.
I need to call my mom.
Do you>?

Botox music

I am just realizing how cool The Beatles really were.
They recorded ev erything live, together in the same room. That is the difference, I think with music today.
You loose some of that spontaneous energy that is created when musicicans get together.
with the ever perfecting technology that we are constantly coming up with, we have lost sight of
the beauty of improvisation.
Music is expression.
It has begun to loose that.
Like botox.
No expression.
bands are created by record company employees.
Pieced together like a recipe.
"Hey, I have this great recipe for a successful band., you take one cute guy, one goofy one,
one troubled one, one party animal, and one quiet guy,right?
blonde, brown, brown, long brown, and one maybe black or hispanic guy.,
they all have to dance, right?
Maybe play a guitar, or bass or something, right?
about 23 years old,right.
DEFINATELY, no older than 29.
perfect."
now, they find some really blase songs, some formula that has worked in the past.
like ,: slow instrumental, verse, verse, chorus, verse chorus bridge chorus, stop, big chorus, repeat fade.....
either broken heart, or you dont understand me angst, or the world is fucked, or music is terrific subjects.
Hirfe some real musicians to record the album, send your nely formed pretend band up
to marketing, and developement, and BAM!!you are on your way.
I really love music.
It sets me free.
I started a career in the music industry, along time ago, quit, fell out of sight, for 10myears,
now thiinking I want to return, but its alll different now,.
Gome are the real gems of a talent.
The diamond in the rough that you discovered accidently.
Now, its corpporate America at its best, and its all about quick money.
What happened to substance?
Bruce, Elton, U2, theres a reason why radio keeps playing these guys.
Because they ARE REAL , AND THEY ARE GOOD.
thats it.
Gonna find a place for myself somewhere within a musically motivated environment.

aren't miserable people a drag?

I mean, as difficult as life is, aren't miserable people especially annoying.
I know that sounds harsh, I am certainly not refering to people who are sick, or disabled, or
dying.
I am talking about just plain, lazy, ass, miserable, negative, complaining, blaming, miserable people.
You know the type, right?
It is never their fault,....anything. its the world, its their partner, its the government.
Why even try? because it will only fail.
Can't ever see the good in anything, first. if the sun is shining, they would complain about sunburn.
If its cool, they would be cold.
If it sounds too good to be true,they know it is not.
Can't trust anybody, the t.v.,the newspaper, ANYBODY.
society sucks.police sucks.government sucks.
the world is going to Hell.
we are all gonna die.
They plain and simple....do not care. period.
oh, man, is this exhausting.
i mean, what are these people afraid of?
Is it that they do not feel that they fit in?
Or is it that they do not understand, insecure?what?
avoidence denial?what?
Too depressing, all the time.
Whew!!!!!!Being around someone all the time like this certainly begins to chip away at your spirit, doesn't it?

music meat and potatoes

I love music. I have the utmost respect for musicians. Their dedication and unstoppable drive
is really remarkeable.i mean, consider the rejecton they face, and the odds of success.
I think it is pretty cool that there are so many avesnues to get your music heard today, with the internet and all.
but, i was thinking about it the other day, and I kinda feel like, a great disservice
is being paid to musicians.
HUH?
Well, look, every one with a computer these days can make music.
There are a billion music programs.
I have a friend who cannot play an instrument, and yet, with a few pushes of certain keys on a keyboard, three or four loops, and a drumbeat later, hes got a song.
How is that fair to all the unheard talented musicians, who have spent years
honing their craft, and are being passed by, by the digital, creations?
maybe, I am just too old school.
But, i prefer analog.
I think the Beatles sound so good, because they recorded their music live.
And i like real musicians,and real instruments.
I guess you could call me a meat and potatoes music lover.

make Bush Pay.

We have a new President. thank-God. God luck Obama. Wow. would you want to be handed this job, at THIS time in hostory.?
Not only does this guy have to overcome the "forst black " President stigma.but, after 8 years of the absolute WORST, unforgiving,non-compassionate, self-serving, America destroying, America selling out administration, this guy gets handed a trillion dollar deficit, two wars,
a recession, a depression, Rush Limbaugh, and a pocket full of pinched and pouting rebublicans. Yipes! i mean, how much can he really do?
He is just one man, and as we all know, whenever just one clear headed, policy changing,
non bowing person comes along, that seeks to correct or better the way of life around here, they get shot.
Plain and simple \, they get killed.
Jesus, Lincoln, Kennedy, Kennedy, King,. Hear is one for ya, Isn't it crazy that, George H.W.
Bush was signed in as Director of the C.I.A., the DAY that Kennedy got shot. Hmmmm, Ah, Well,
you have to get jumped into a gang right?Anyway.... where was I?
Obama, right.
America, lets just do something crazy, and let love rule, right?
I mean, even if this guy is another political puppet, his message makes sense.
We have the right to need an effective government.
"By the people, for the People"....Right?
I don't know about anyone else, but I am struggling.My story is neither unique, nor interesting, I am just struggling. Like alot of people.
The opportunities for work have declined, and I am living on 90- bucks, every two weeks, from unemployment.Not loving is more like it.
This is crazy.
This is America.
We are better.
We can be better.
But we must unite, cannot give in to lies.
Ask Questions,. Demand answers, and make these motherfuckers like Bush, and Cheney
pay for what they have done.
They are not hurting. They are laughing. at us. At all of us, who even tuned into
someone like Sarah Palin.What a freakin joke.
Iraq? Come on, people. Why ?Why are we there?
There has been no threat to America which dimwhit was in office? Okay.
was there before?Is now. thanks to the fact that we have blown into town and tried to change a way of life that has existed for years and years.
Would WE ever stand for someone else blowing into America, and saying WE had to change the way WE live. right?
let them work it out. declare parts of Isreal Holy Land untouchable. Divide the rest between Isreal and Palestine, and let the Iraqis figure out, and suicide bomb themselves into oblivion.Who cares.Its not fixable.
Yipes. These people think different, have different values, beliefs, way of life.
Who are we to channge any of that.
Lets make ourselves better first.
Build a foundation first.
Basics, people.
I would rather save all the starving people in Africa first. ThERE WE COULD AND SHOULD make a difference.
Thats it.

Why would anybody want to fall in love? I mean, the instant you realize that, in fact, you are in love. It starts to hurt. That kind of head in hand with your heart hurt. You try to distract yourself, by hanging out with other people, but you find yourself, watching their faces, and you know they are talking to you, but you hear nothing they are saying, constantly having to say, "Oh, I am sorry what were you saying?"
Or, you are at work, unable to concentrate on anything for longer than 10 minutes or so, before
your mind wonders. Then you worry. then you find yourself doing and acting in ways
you never thought possible. I have to think about that question," Is it better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."I don't know. Really, because I loved, and I do love, and I
cant be with them, and it makes, everyday of my life Hell.